Loosing a friend

It's always difficult to loose a friend, but with bpd it can be an extremely painful situation that can set of future fear of abandonment. Whether you just drift apart or it ends in a nasty way it can have a dramatic effect on someone's emotional welbeing. 

Having said this, it is something we all experience throughout our life. People are busy and time is short so staying friends is a unspoken commitment. But when should we stop trying and accept that the friendship won't work? 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, how many people drift in and our off our lives. I remember being 16 and having a group of male friends at collage but after we left I would try and try to meet with them but it seemed they weren't as invested in this friendship as I was. This has become a Slight pattern for me, which got me wondering what was wrong with me? Why didn't people want to stay friends? I get attached to people and am highly loyal so whenever someone doesn't share this, I'm left feeling abandoned. 

I'm not sure how much of this is due to my bpd or if people without bpd feel the same way? 

Like many people suffering with a mental illness, I've lost a lot of friends due to their lack of understanding of my condition. It's so selfish to leave someone for an illness just because it's  getting 'too hard to handle'. Knowledge is power and if we learn about mental illness we are surely on the way to helping them recover? So I urge you to stand by anyone throughout an illness as I'm sure you would want support if the roles were reversed. 

Having said all of this, it just brings to light the true friends that stand by you and do make the effort. My motto now is that if the relationship, romantic or not isn't equal then it's not worth it. As painful as it may be, sometimes letting go is the only way to stop the cycle of rejection. 

Sorry for the slight rant, my mind has been so busy with these thoughts today! 

Hope your all well. 

Becky x

Self harm, the facts and my personal battle

A lot of people, who have never dealt with a mental illness don't understand why someone would purposely harm themselves. They may not understand why it helps or how it becomes extremely addictive, they just know its not a healthy way to express emotion. Let me explain how it felt for me...


From the first cut, I was hooked. Hooked to the quick relief I felt when I cut, an escape from the emotional turmoil I was feeling. I was 13, and I used a sharp hairclip, it didn't bleed so I kept going until my arms were swollen and red raw. From then on it was my go to tool whenever things got too much. Seeing the scars was proof that what I was feeling was real and painful, as I felt no one understood. Although of course I tried to hide it,  never taking my jumper off, even in summer.


As the addiction grew, I would test myself to see how far I could take it, using blades now as I knew they were more dangerous. It was my way of seeing the pain physically and it was easier to cope with a cut then what was going on in my head.


Why do people self harm?


People self harm for a whole bunch of reasons and sometimes its a mixture of a few. For me personally it was proof of my feelings and also gave me a sense of control over my own pain. Below is a list of some other reasons why someone may self harm:

• express emotions that are hard to verbally explain
• To ask someone for help (note: never call a self harmer an attention seeker! They are in need of help not to be judged)
• stop feelings of dumbness
• To distract from the emotional distress
• Express suicidal thoughts without actively attempting to take their life.
• To feel in control of their pain

What counts as self harm?


Anything in which the person has done to deliberately harm themselves, it is NOT just cutting. Here is a list of examples:

• Bruising
• Burning
• Overdosing
• Making yourself sick
• Cutting
• Scratching
• Biting
•  Under eating or over eating
• punching the wall  

Useful advice to you if you self harm


There is no easy way of stopping or even reducing your self harm. Sometimes something may go wrong in your life and your first thought is to hurt yourself (Mine is for sure) but if you feel like you really want to make an effort to stop, below is some things I've learnt over the years:

• Wait 15-30minutes. When an urge comes on, I try to tell myself to wait for at least 15minutes, if the urge is still there and hasn't died down at all then I allow myself to. But most of the time just allowing the urge to pass has stopped me! To distract myself in that 15 minutes I usually write in my diary or draw how I'm feeling or how I want to self harm.
• Call a trusted friend. I really hope that you have at least one friend you can trust with your secret self harm and that they are supportive. If so, call them, explain the situation like this 'I'm having the urge to self harm so I thought I could talk about it with you..'
• Write down why you want to self harm and the emotions linked with it. This is a technique I learnt when in therapy. It really gets you to focus on the emotions and where in your body you feel them. Writing down everything you can about how you feel is a good way of distracting from actually cutting! Some questions you could ask yourself: Why do I want to self harm? What will it achieve? What emotions have led to this? What urges do I have?
• Learn your triggers. Learning what brings on the urges is a good step to reducing them. If it is something in particular that your family or friend does, try to communicate with them about it. If its seeing a blade or weapon you may use, take it out of your sight. If it is how you feel about yourself, work on your self esteem with a therapist. (Or google online free therapy sheets)

Advice for friends and family of those who self harm and how to help.

• You may not understand their reasons why they self harm but do NOT blame them for it. It will only make them feel worse about themselves and feed into the addiction.
• Ask them about it. TALK to them. As hard it may be for you to hear, you need to talk to them, they need to know you care and are worried.
• Help them clean the wounds.
• Tell them to call you if the urge comes on.
• Do not make them promise to never do it again. This is an unfair thing to ask to them as self harm is a important coping mechanism to them for the time being.
• Do some research.
• Support them on finding the root cause of their problems.
• Urge them to go seek professional help
• And above all NEVER give up on them.

I hope this has been useful to someone, after all that's why I started this blog. There is a lot of information on the internet about self harm and a number of charities that can offer support like Mind.


Talk soon!
Becky x

What is borderline personality disorder?

• Borderline personality disorder does not mean having multiple personalities. 
• BPD means being prone to have extreme mood swings and intense emotions, either being good or bad. 
• Self harm or self destructive behaviours are often used as coping methods for the intense emotions.

Traits of BPD:

• Quick changes in mood, which can be very intense. 
• Extreme fear or reactions to abandonment (personally one of my hardest traits to deal with)
• difficulty expressing anger 
• feelings of lost identity (Not knowing who you are)
• self harm and suicidal thoughts/attempts
• Depression and feelings of emptiness

There has been some debate on what causes BPD and it is thought that genes do play a part but it can also be caused by trauma in early life, neglect or physical or sexual abuse.  Most people with BPD and I agree with this, say that even from an early age they were highly sensitive and felt very emotional. 

I will do a blog post on treatments and go into detail about some of the traits but for now I just wanted ot give you a brief outline of the condition. 

Talk soon, 

Becky x

 

Let me introduce myself...

As the title gives away, I have borderline personality disorder. But of course that isn't who I am, its just a condition I deal with, and it can be a pain in the arse just like any long term illness. Let me tell you about myself minus the illness and why I have created this blog...

My names Becky, currently 22 and am a freelance photographer. Usually I'm confident and I like to think that I'm a fun person to be around. I have a small handful of amazing friends, but 2 in particular who have on a few accounted saved my life, this blog was actually one of their ideas! 

I created this blog to help people who have BPD or know someone who has it. I believe that educating people about mental illness is paramount to stopping stigma but also giving people the right support. I have lost numerous people in my life simply because they didn't understand or know how to deal with it so I've made it my mission to talk openly about BPD and other mental illnesses that come along side it. 

Talk soon! 
Becky x