DBT skill - Radical Acceptance.

Sorry I haven't posted at all this year. I've been finding it difficult to master the strength to write blog posts. I'm currently in a difficult emotional state so I thought writing this post may help. 

Radical acceptance is one of the most useful and also the most difficult skill (I personally think) to master within DBT. 

So what is radical acceptance? 

This skill is designed to help stop your emotional suffering at a time when a situation cannot be changed. Many of us have unhelpful coping techniques that we may use to ignore the situation, for example self harm, drugs or alcohol. While these coping tools help us feel better in the short term, the long term damage to our bodies and mind can be devastating. Radical acceptance is about accepting the current situation or emotion, without fighting against it.

How does it help?

Accepting pain is the first step to feeling better, ignoring it only builds up the emotion leading to more pain in the future. Although it's very difficult to accept our pain, its a big part of life that we must come to terms with. 

How to radically accept 

• Acknowledge that pain is normal and won't last forever. 
• Allow yourself to really feel where the emotion is in your body. 
• Notice if you have thoughts to fight against the emotion ('I shouldn't feel this way' 'Its not fair')
• Remember that fighting against it will only make it worse in the long run. 

This skill comes under the model 'Distress tolerance' 

Keep practicing your skills! It gets better, believe me. 

Becky x 

Why Christmas isn't so merry for some...

Christmas for most is a jolly time, filled with family, food and of course presents! But for some its a tricky time of year.

Many who deal with mental illness find this season difficult, I know I particularly do when I'm expected to be 'merry'. This expectation sometimes makes me feel guilty when I am upset, blaming and forcing myself to feel better.

Christmas can also be a time when people feel most lonely. With everyone going to spending it with families, it can be difficult when you don't have alot of family or are even that close with them. It may that you have to be around family members that you don't particularly get on with, but because this is meant to the time for family you have to suck it up and deal with it.

Below is a list of things/therapy techniques that I've picked found to be useful:

• Don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to feel an emotion. Just because its Christmas does NOT give people the right to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. If you feel sad, then that's fine, its a completely human emotion and your allowed it feel it regardless of the time of year. Know in yourself that your emotions are valid and normal, no matter the season.
• Keep busy. If you find this a particularly stressful time of year keep yourself busy. There's lots of craft and art things you can do around christmas but if you fancied something non-christmasy, maybe write all your new years resolutions down. 
• Do something for someone else. I find focusing all my energy on doing something nice for someone else a great distraction tool, plus it boosts your self esteem! Make them a Christmas present, plan a nice meal, take them out, help the elderly or the lonely. Maybe even volunteer at a homeless shelter! 
• Treat yourself! Christmas isn't just a time for giving to others, you should also treat yourself, especially if your feeling down. Buy yourself a present, eat your favorite food, watch your favorite films. 
• Plan for the new year! Thinking of the future comforts me when I'm down, the possibilities are endless, and you won't always feel low. Make a list of everything you want to try or experience next year, give yourself something to aim or look forward to. 
• Try to avoid alcohol. As tempting as it may be, and everyone may be drinking this time of year. It'll only make you feel worse! 

These are just a few suggestions and I'm sure there is plenty more information on the internet with more. The main thing to remember is that your aren't alone, there is always someone who feels the same! Help is available if your in a crisis, call 999 or the Samaritans or a trusted friend. 

I hope that everyone keeps well this Christmas. 

Becky. x

Had to share this...

I had to share this quote with you guys. I can really relate to some of the emotions in this and sometimes reading something that just gets how you're feeling can really help. Its easy to feel so alone in your emotions, but its soothing to think that somewhere in the world someone is feeling the same. 

Psychology & mental illness myths. - BUSTED.

A lot of the sigma around mental illness comes from myths and misconceptions about it that have been around for a while. I started looking into it and found some really interest psychology facts as well that I thought I'd share.

Myth- Adults don't grow any new neurons 

Truth - We do grow them, especially in the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory forming and emotional responses. 

Myth- Alcohol kills brain cells. 

Truth - It may not 'kill' the cells by excessive drinking may cause damage to the portals that send signals to the brain. 

Myth- Its better to express anger than hold in it. 

Truth- This is something I learnt about during therapy but have also read about in psychology books.  Expressing your anger can actually feed into it and make the aggression worse. I've learnt that dealing with the sadness that often comes with anger is more effective in the long term. 

Myth- We only use 10% of our brain.

Truth - People love the idea that we don't know how to use our brain to its full capacity, just imagine what we could do! But that's simply not the truth. 20% of our energy is used on brain power, and if we used more energy than then, it was simply be difficult or impossible to do anything else but think! 

Myth - You can tell if someone has an eating disorder by looking at them.

Truth- People with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. Eating disorders such as bulimia, binge eating and even anorexia can look normal in size. 

Myth- Eating disorders only affect women.
Truth-anyone can be affected by eating disorders, regardless of their gender.

Myth- The media is to blame for eating disorders.
Truth- There are numerous reasons why eating disorders can form, from a traumatic childhood, to genetics or simply a combination of multiple factors. The media may effect some peoples views on their bodies but eating disorders themselves are usually the result of many other reasons.

Myth- Self harm is a suicide attempt.
Truth - Self harm is coping mechanism for dealing with extreme emotions. In some cases, self harm prevents the person from actually attempting suicide.

Myth- There is no cure for mental illness.
Truth - This couldn't be further from the truth, there are many different forms of treatment for every mental illness, from medication to therapies, its about finding the right way to treat it for you.

If you want to learn more about mental illnesses and the common myths, check out the Mind website for a whole bunch of interesting information and advice. And remember that not everything you hear is true!

Becky x

Common thinking errors.

Black or white: This is similar to the all or nothing thinking. For example ‘I failed my driving test, Im a horrible driver and should give up.’

Over-generalization: One unfortunate event leads to the assumption that it will happen every time.

Mental filter: Picking out and dwelling on negative details.

Disqualifying the positive: Successes are seen as flukes.

Catastrophizing:  exaggerating your own imperfections

Emotional reasoning: taking feelings as facts. For example ‘I feel fat, therefore I am fat.’

Personalization: Blaming everything on yourself. 

Assertive listening. - Interpersonal effectiveness.

What is it? 

Assertive listening means to mindfully listen to another persons needs, wants and feelings. It is an important skill to have for a healthy relationship, and to ensure that the other person feels that you genuinely  care about what they are saying. 

Questions to ask to help you understand how they feel:
‘What’s the central problem as you understand it?’

·         ‘How do you make sense of the situation?’

·         ‘When you’re struggling with (name the problem), how does it make you feel?’

·         ‘What do you think needs to change?’

·         ‘What would you like me to do to help with this?’

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Blocks to listening:

·         Mind reading – Assuming you know what the other person thinks without asking. It is also assuming that they know how you are feeling.

·         Rehearsing – Thinking what you are going to say while the other person is talking, meaning you miss what is being said.

·         Filtering – Listening only to things that are important to you and missing the rest which is important to them .

·         Judging – Judging what they say instead of trying to understand how they see the situation

·         Daydreaming –Letting your mind wonder while they talk.

·         Advising – Looking for suggestions and solutions instead of listening and understanding.

·         Sparring – Invaliding the other person by arguing.

·         Being right – Resisting any communication  that suggests you are wrong and should change.

·         Derailing – Flat out changing the subject when something bothers you.

·         Placating – Agreeing too quickly (I know..your right…im sorry) without listening first. 

How to listen assertively:

   Prepare to be mindful when the other person talks.

·         While they speak, set aside your thoughts, needs and opinions.

·         Put yourself in their shoes and really imagine how they feel.

·         Feed back to them what you understand. For example ‘Things at work have been busy, so you feel stressed?’ Rephrase what they have said and repeat it back. 

Friendships and mental illness - The break downs and the ever lasting.

Friendships come and go in life and a loss of friendship is something that happens to everyone. But for people with Borderline personality disorder it can seem so personal and a lot more painful. Many people with BPD, actually most mental illnesses say that they have lost friends from their illness.

Loosing a friend because of your BPD

Personally I have lost 4 friends directly from my mental illness, and I know this, because they said. I may have lost more but it was probably sugar coated with less painful excuses. Things like this were said:

•  'Maybe you shouldn't talk to me about your issues anymore...'
• 'I'm not strong enough to handle your problems'
• 'Your attention seeking' 

Some of these were said over 6 years ago, and y'know what? Its still a painful thought. Each and every time someone left me because of my illness it fed into the cycle of me feeling 'not good enough' and then created the fear of abandonment within other relationships. At times I felt that self harm was my only friend, and that I couldn't truly trust anyone. 

So if your thinking of leaving someone with an illness, any illness, please reconsider. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Wouldn't you want them there for you? When they recovery, and over time you will create a friendship that is SO strong that you'll never want to give up on them. 

I think its fair to say that having a mental illness will either make or break a friendship, and it is a true test of how strong your bond is. If you think about it now, how many of your current friends do you think would stand by you? 

The silver lining?

Its heartbreaking and incredibly painful when you lose someone because of something that you can't help. But there is a silver lining...they aren't worthy of your friendship and your'e better off with out them. If you can honestly say you would be there for them but they aren't doing the same, well its time to realise that the friendship isn't right for you. 

Another silver lining is that in these times you really do find out who can you trust. I had one best friend who has been with me through my journey with BPD from day 1. She has never left, never doubted that I wouldn't get better, and she knows I would do the same for her. Our friendship is closer than some of the bonds I have with my family members because I trust that she will be there for me unconditionally. 

Now I'm also able to tell who I feel is emotionally mature to help with my illness and support me when needed. I'm happy to say that I have a handful of friends that I know will help me through the bad days with my BPD. 

How to support a friend with a mental illness.

• Urge them to seek medical advice
• Don't be scared to raise the issue with them, talk about it! 
• If they have been diagnosed, research what the illness is and how you can support them.
• Just sit with them on a bad day.
• Send them texts so they know you care.
• Offer support with doctors appointments. 
• If you've been through a mental illness, discuss this with them, so they you understand