Assertive listening means to mindfully listen to another persons needs, wants and feelings. It is an important skill to have for a healthy relationship, and to ensure that the other person feels that you genuinely care about what they are saying.
Questions to ask to help you understand how they feel:
‘What’s the central problem as you understand it?’
·
‘How
do you make sense of the situation?’
·
‘When
you’re struggling with (name the problem), how does it make you feel?’
·
‘What
do you think needs to change?’
·
‘What
would you like me to do to help with this?’
l
Blocks to
listening:
·
Mind reading – Assuming you know what the other
person thinks without asking. It is also assuming that they know how you are
feeling.
·
Rehearsing – Thinking what you are going to say
while the other person is talking, meaning you miss what is being said.
·
Filtering – Listening only to things that are
important to you and missing the rest which is important to them .
·
Judging – Judging what they say instead of
trying to understand how they see the situation
·
Daydreaming –Letting your mind wonder while they
talk.
·
Advising – Looking for suggestions and
solutions instead of listening and understanding.
·
Sparring – Invaliding the other person by
arguing.
·
Being right – Resisting any communication that suggests you are wrong and should change.
·
Derailing – Flat out changing the subject when
something bothers you.
·
Placating – Agreeing too quickly (I know..your
right…im sorry) without listening first.
How to
listen assertively:
Prepare
to be mindful when the other person talks.
·
While
they speak, set aside your thoughts, needs and opinions.
·
Put
yourself in their shoes and really imagine how they feel.
·
Feed
back to them what you understand. For example ‘Things at work have been busy,
so you feel stressed?’ Rephrase what they have said and repeat it back.
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