Common thinking errors.

Black or white: This is similar to the all or nothing thinking. For example ‘I failed my driving test, Im a horrible driver and should give up.’

Over-generalization: One unfortunate event leads to the assumption that it will happen every time.

Mental filter: Picking out and dwelling on negative details.

Disqualifying the positive: Successes are seen as flukes.

Catastrophizing:  exaggerating your own imperfections

Emotional reasoning: taking feelings as facts. For example ‘I feel fat, therefore I am fat.’

Personalization: Blaming everything on yourself. 

Assertive listening. - Interpersonal effectiveness.

What is it? 

Assertive listening means to mindfully listen to another persons needs, wants and feelings. It is an important skill to have for a healthy relationship, and to ensure that the other person feels that you genuinely  care about what they are saying. 

Questions to ask to help you understand how they feel:
‘What’s the central problem as you understand it?’

·         ‘How do you make sense of the situation?’

·         ‘When you’re struggling with (name the problem), how does it make you feel?’

·         ‘What do you think needs to change?’

·         ‘What would you like me to do to help with this?’

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Blocks to listening:

·         Mind reading – Assuming you know what the other person thinks without asking. It is also assuming that they know how you are feeling.

·         Rehearsing – Thinking what you are going to say while the other person is talking, meaning you miss what is being said.

·         Filtering – Listening only to things that are important to you and missing the rest which is important to them .

·         Judging – Judging what they say instead of trying to understand how they see the situation

·         Daydreaming –Letting your mind wonder while they talk.

·         Advising – Looking for suggestions and solutions instead of listening and understanding.

·         Sparring – Invaliding the other person by arguing.

·         Being right – Resisting any communication  that suggests you are wrong and should change.

·         Derailing – Flat out changing the subject when something bothers you.

·         Placating – Agreeing too quickly (I know..your right…im sorry) without listening first. 

How to listen assertively:

   Prepare to be mindful when the other person talks.

·         While they speak, set aside your thoughts, needs and opinions.

·         Put yourself in their shoes and really imagine how they feel.

·         Feed back to them what you understand. For example ‘Things at work have been busy, so you feel stressed?’ Rephrase what they have said and repeat it back. 

Friendships and mental illness - The break downs and the ever lasting.

Friendships come and go in life and a loss of friendship is something that happens to everyone. But for people with Borderline personality disorder it can seem so personal and a lot more painful. Many people with BPD, actually most mental illnesses say that they have lost friends from their illness.

Loosing a friend because of your BPD

Personally I have lost 4 friends directly from my mental illness, and I know this, because they said. I may have lost more but it was probably sugar coated with less painful excuses. Things like this were said:

•  'Maybe you shouldn't talk to me about your issues anymore...'
• 'I'm not strong enough to handle your problems'
• 'Your attention seeking' 

Some of these were said over 6 years ago, and y'know what? Its still a painful thought. Each and every time someone left me because of my illness it fed into the cycle of me feeling 'not good enough' and then created the fear of abandonment within other relationships. At times I felt that self harm was my only friend, and that I couldn't truly trust anyone. 

So if your thinking of leaving someone with an illness, any illness, please reconsider. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Wouldn't you want them there for you? When they recovery, and over time you will create a friendship that is SO strong that you'll never want to give up on them. 

I think its fair to say that having a mental illness will either make or break a friendship, and it is a true test of how strong your bond is. If you think about it now, how many of your current friends do you think would stand by you? 

The silver lining?

Its heartbreaking and incredibly painful when you lose someone because of something that you can't help. But there is a silver lining...they aren't worthy of your friendship and your'e better off with out them. If you can honestly say you would be there for them but they aren't doing the same, well its time to realise that the friendship isn't right for you. 

Another silver lining is that in these times you really do find out who can you trust. I had one best friend who has been with me through my journey with BPD from day 1. She has never left, never doubted that I wouldn't get better, and she knows I would do the same for her. Our friendship is closer than some of the bonds I have with my family members because I trust that she will be there for me unconditionally. 

Now I'm also able to tell who I feel is emotionally mature to help with my illness and support me when needed. I'm happy to say that I have a handful of friends that I know will help me through the bad days with my BPD. 

How to support a friend with a mental illness.

• Urge them to seek medical advice
• Don't be scared to raise the issue with them, talk about it! 
• If they have been diagnosed, research what the illness is and how you can support them.
• Just sit with them on a bad day.
• Send them texts so they know you care.
• Offer support with doctors appointments. 
• If you've been through a mental illness, discuss this with them, so they you understand

My list of little 'pick me ups' and distraction tools. - Part 1

Over the years of dealing with distressing emotions, its taken me a while to finally find things that can help if I give them a chance. Sometimes all I want to do is hide under the covers of my bed and cry till there is nothing left, but I have to fight that urge and try some other things, with the hope that I'll feel even a little bit better.

So here is a list of things that may inspire you to try when your next feeling down.

1. Watching Ted talks. After a serious break up, I found comfort in hearing stories from people who have been to hell and back and have had the motivation to carry on. Ted has tonnes of great talks about so many different topics that can get you thinking outside the box and distract you from your negative trail of thoughts. My favourite talks are: 'F--- YOU, how to stop screwing yourself over' by Mel Robbins. 'Why we chose suicide' by Mark Henick, and 'To this day...' by Shane Koyczan. All of these and many more are on youtube. 
2. Setting Goals. Having something to aim for or things you want to try is good motivation to keep going and also adds a little excitement for the future. Try a classic 'Bucket list', writing down everything you want to do before you die. Or maybe setting yourself some personal goals, like aiming to write in your journal everyday or planning to walk 15 minutes a day (One in which I tried before I got my puppy, now I have no choice!). Some of my goals include, hitting '700' likes on my facebook page and reading 50 books this year. 
3. Turning how you feel into something creative. Its fair to say that most of my personal work has come from distressing emotions and I guess in a way I have to thankful that those darker times that gave me that creativity. You can channel how you feel into your work in so many different ways, from poetry to painting or song writing. The best work often comes from the most painful experiences.  Below is an example of a photo I took when I was feeling suicidal. 
   
   
   
4. Meeting friends. I have to admit that I have, in the past, found this very difficult to do when I'm in a depressive state. The last thing I want to do it see anyone, let alone my friends, who I think wouldn't understand. BUT over time you get to realise who you can trust and who you can lean on, and there is no shame in asking them for help! In fact they would probably feel very happy to help in anyway they can (and if they don't then they really aren't worth your friendship).Talk to them if you feel comfortable, or just sitting with them watching a film can make the world of difference. 
5. Do something for someone else. Sometimes, by doing something for someone else you take the attention away from your troubles and focus on someone else's needs. Things you can do include: Planning a birthday event for a friend, making a gift for someone, joining a volunteer group (Something that really helped me), walking someone else's dog, write a letter to a solider or sick child (there are a few different websites where you can find different info about this, google it) 
6. Educating yourself or building a new skill. Learning something new often takes a lot of concentration, and therefore is a great distraction! If you find this difficult, maybe write a list first of all things you could like to learn in life, start with simple questions such as 'How many different languages are there?' and when your feeling down pick and question and go find the answer! Other skills you could try are, learning an instrument, researching about the solar system, trying new recipes. 
7. Try to laugh. This can seem almost impossible when your in such a dark place, but deep down there is a strong you, willing to come out. Sometimes watching things that usually make me laugh can at least raise a smile when I'm down and studies show that even smiling can improve your mood. Write a list of things that have made you really laugh before, and I mean, a proper belly, tearful laugh, whether it be a memory, a youtube clip or even tumblr post, write it down and look at it when your low. 

This is only part 1 as I'm sure there are many more things you can do. Sometimes it may help, other times it may not, but even trying is great! 

Stay strong.

Becky x

Self help book review: Katie Piper's 'things get better'

Overview:

After reading Katie's first book called 'beautiful', in which she tells her story of a horrific acid attack, I fell in love her personality and strength. So naturally I couldn't wait for her second book, 'Things get better to come out'. This book is more of a self help book with advice and techniques she used when in the deepest depressions because of her attack.

What's included?

• Techniques she used in therapy.
• Inspiring quotes
• self affirming statements. 
• Stories of people overcoming their deepest pain. 
• Advice on getting your life back on track. 
• Things she used personally to get her through everything. 

Why is it good?

Its an easy ready, with chapters that you can skip to when you need them. She gets straight to the point, and doesn't ramble. It gives you exercises you can try and practical advice. It covers a wide range of stressful situations that we all come across in life, such as break ups, a job loss, death of a loved one. 

What's not so good?

As it covers a wide range problems it may not specific enough to be off that much use. 

Conclusion:

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone looking for a self help book that is  easy read. I turn to the book when in need of inspiring words and uplifting spirit.  

Check out Katie's facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/katiepiperofficial?fref=ts

Keep checking this blog for more self help book reviews!

Hope your all well. 

Becky x

Recovery / motivation songs.

Here is a list of songs that are (to me) uplifting and have helped me through recovery:

• Demi Lovato - Warrior and Skyscraper. 

• Katy Perry - Roar, Firework, fingerprints.
• One republic - Good life 
• Pink - Raise your glass 
• The Script - Hall of Frame 
• James Morrison - One life. 
• Ed Sheeran - You need me, I don’t need you. 
• Beyonce - I was here
• Ben Howard - Keep your head up. 
• Eliza Dolittle - Let it Rain. 
• Bon Jovi - Its my Life. 
• Kelly Clarkson - Stronger 
• Christina Aguilera - Fighter
• Lady Gaga - Born this way. 
• Jessie J - Who you are

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These are just a few of my favorites. I try not to listen to depressing songs when I’m down, instead I use these motivational songs to help pick me up.