Why Christmas isn't so merry for some...

Christmas for most is a jolly time, filled with family, food and of course presents! But for some its a tricky time of year.

Many who deal with mental illness find this season difficult, I know I particularly do when I'm expected to be 'merry'. This expectation sometimes makes me feel guilty when I am upset, blaming and forcing myself to feel better.

Christmas can also be a time when people feel most lonely. With everyone going to spending it with families, it can be difficult when you don't have alot of family or are even that close with them. It may that you have to be around family members that you don't particularly get on with, but because this is meant to the time for family you have to suck it up and deal with it.

Below is a list of things/therapy techniques that I've picked found to be useful:

• Don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to feel an emotion. Just because its Christmas does NOT give people the right to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. If you feel sad, then that's fine, its a completely human emotion and your allowed it feel it regardless of the time of year. Know in yourself that your emotions are valid and normal, no matter the season.
• Keep busy. If you find this a particularly stressful time of year keep yourself busy. There's lots of craft and art things you can do around christmas but if you fancied something non-christmasy, maybe write all your new years resolutions down. 
• Do something for someone else. I find focusing all my energy on doing something nice for someone else a great distraction tool, plus it boosts your self esteem! Make them a Christmas present, plan a nice meal, take them out, help the elderly or the lonely. Maybe even volunteer at a homeless shelter! 
• Treat yourself! Christmas isn't just a time for giving to others, you should also treat yourself, especially if your feeling down. Buy yourself a present, eat your favorite food, watch your favorite films. 
• Plan for the new year! Thinking of the future comforts me when I'm down, the possibilities are endless, and you won't always feel low. Make a list of everything you want to try or experience next year, give yourself something to aim or look forward to. 
• Try to avoid alcohol. As tempting as it may be, and everyone may be drinking this time of year. It'll only make you feel worse! 

These are just a few suggestions and I'm sure there is plenty more information on the internet with more. The main thing to remember is that your aren't alone, there is always someone who feels the same! Help is available if your in a crisis, call 999 or the Samaritans or a trusted friend. 

I hope that everyone keeps well this Christmas. 

Becky. x

Had to share this...

I had to share this quote with you guys. I can really relate to some of the emotions in this and sometimes reading something that just gets how you're feeling can really help. Its easy to feel so alone in your emotions, but its soothing to think that somewhere in the world someone is feeling the same. 

Psychology & mental illness myths. - BUSTED.

A lot of the sigma around mental illness comes from myths and misconceptions about it that have been around for a while. I started looking into it and found some really interest psychology facts as well that I thought I'd share.

Myth- Adults don't grow any new neurons 

Truth - We do grow them, especially in the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory forming and emotional responses. 

Myth- Alcohol kills brain cells. 

Truth - It may not 'kill' the cells by excessive drinking may cause damage to the portals that send signals to the brain. 

Myth- Its better to express anger than hold in it. 

Truth- This is something I learnt about during therapy but have also read about in psychology books.  Expressing your anger can actually feed into it and make the aggression worse. I've learnt that dealing with the sadness that often comes with anger is more effective in the long term. 

Myth- We only use 10% of our brain.

Truth - People love the idea that we don't know how to use our brain to its full capacity, just imagine what we could do! But that's simply not the truth. 20% of our energy is used on brain power, and if we used more energy than then, it was simply be difficult or impossible to do anything else but think! 

Myth - You can tell if someone has an eating disorder by looking at them.

Truth- People with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. Eating disorders such as bulimia, binge eating and even anorexia can look normal in size. 

Myth- Eating disorders only affect women.
Truth-anyone can be affected by eating disorders, regardless of their gender.

Myth- The media is to blame for eating disorders.
Truth- There are numerous reasons why eating disorders can form, from a traumatic childhood, to genetics or simply a combination of multiple factors. The media may effect some peoples views on their bodies but eating disorders themselves are usually the result of many other reasons.

Myth- Self harm is a suicide attempt.
Truth - Self harm is coping mechanism for dealing with extreme emotions. In some cases, self harm prevents the person from actually attempting suicide.

Myth- There is no cure for mental illness.
Truth - This couldn't be further from the truth, there are many different forms of treatment for every mental illness, from medication to therapies, its about finding the right way to treat it for you.

If you want to learn more about mental illnesses and the common myths, check out the Mind website for a whole bunch of interesting information and advice. And remember that not everything you hear is true!

Becky x

Common thinking errors.

Black or white: This is similar to the all or nothing thinking. For example ‘I failed my driving test, Im a horrible driver and should give up.’

Over-generalization: One unfortunate event leads to the assumption that it will happen every time.

Mental filter: Picking out and dwelling on negative details.

Disqualifying the positive: Successes are seen as flukes.

Catastrophizing:  exaggerating your own imperfections

Emotional reasoning: taking feelings as facts. For example ‘I feel fat, therefore I am fat.’

Personalization: Blaming everything on yourself. 

Assertive listening. - Interpersonal effectiveness.

What is it? 

Assertive listening means to mindfully listen to another persons needs, wants and feelings. It is an important skill to have for a healthy relationship, and to ensure that the other person feels that you genuinely  care about what they are saying. 

Questions to ask to help you understand how they feel:
‘What’s the central problem as you understand it?’

·         ‘How do you make sense of the situation?’

·         ‘When you’re struggling with (name the problem), how does it make you feel?’

·         ‘What do you think needs to change?’

·         ‘What would you like me to do to help with this?’

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Blocks to listening:

·         Mind reading – Assuming you know what the other person thinks without asking. It is also assuming that they know how you are feeling.

·         Rehearsing – Thinking what you are going to say while the other person is talking, meaning you miss what is being said.

·         Filtering – Listening only to things that are important to you and missing the rest which is important to them .

·         Judging – Judging what they say instead of trying to understand how they see the situation

·         Daydreaming –Letting your mind wonder while they talk.

·         Advising – Looking for suggestions and solutions instead of listening and understanding.

·         Sparring – Invaliding the other person by arguing.

·         Being right – Resisting any communication  that suggests you are wrong and should change.

·         Derailing – Flat out changing the subject when something bothers you.

·         Placating – Agreeing too quickly (I know..your right…im sorry) without listening first. 

How to listen assertively:

   Prepare to be mindful when the other person talks.

·         While they speak, set aside your thoughts, needs and opinions.

·         Put yourself in their shoes and really imagine how they feel.

·         Feed back to them what you understand. For example ‘Things at work have been busy, so you feel stressed?’ Rephrase what they have said and repeat it back. 

Friendships and mental illness - The break downs and the ever lasting.

Friendships come and go in life and a loss of friendship is something that happens to everyone. But for people with Borderline personality disorder it can seem so personal and a lot more painful. Many people with BPD, actually most mental illnesses say that they have lost friends from their illness.

Loosing a friend because of your BPD

Personally I have lost 4 friends directly from my mental illness, and I know this, because they said. I may have lost more but it was probably sugar coated with less painful excuses. Things like this were said:

•  'Maybe you shouldn't talk to me about your issues anymore...'
• 'I'm not strong enough to handle your problems'
• 'Your attention seeking' 

Some of these were said over 6 years ago, and y'know what? Its still a painful thought. Each and every time someone left me because of my illness it fed into the cycle of me feeling 'not good enough' and then created the fear of abandonment within other relationships. At times I felt that self harm was my only friend, and that I couldn't truly trust anyone. 

So if your thinking of leaving someone with an illness, any illness, please reconsider. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Wouldn't you want them there for you? When they recovery, and over time you will create a friendship that is SO strong that you'll never want to give up on them. 

I think its fair to say that having a mental illness will either make or break a friendship, and it is a true test of how strong your bond is. If you think about it now, how many of your current friends do you think would stand by you? 

The silver lining?

Its heartbreaking and incredibly painful when you lose someone because of something that you can't help. But there is a silver lining...they aren't worthy of your friendship and your'e better off with out them. If you can honestly say you would be there for them but they aren't doing the same, well its time to realise that the friendship isn't right for you. 

Another silver lining is that in these times you really do find out who can you trust. I had one best friend who has been with me through my journey with BPD from day 1. She has never left, never doubted that I wouldn't get better, and she knows I would do the same for her. Our friendship is closer than some of the bonds I have with my family members because I trust that she will be there for me unconditionally. 

Now I'm also able to tell who I feel is emotionally mature to help with my illness and support me when needed. I'm happy to say that I have a handful of friends that I know will help me through the bad days with my BPD. 

How to support a friend with a mental illness.

• Urge them to seek medical advice
• Don't be scared to raise the issue with them, talk about it! 
• If they have been diagnosed, research what the illness is and how you can support them.
• Just sit with them on a bad day.
• Send them texts so they know you care.
• Offer support with doctors appointments. 
• If you've been through a mental illness, discuss this with them, so they you understand

My list of little 'pick me ups' and distraction tools. - Part 1

Over the years of dealing with distressing emotions, its taken me a while to finally find things that can help if I give them a chance. Sometimes all I want to do is hide under the covers of my bed and cry till there is nothing left, but I have to fight that urge and try some other things, with the hope that I'll feel even a little bit better.

So here is a list of things that may inspire you to try when your next feeling down.

1. Watching Ted talks. After a serious break up, I found comfort in hearing stories from people who have been to hell and back and have had the motivation to carry on. Ted has tonnes of great talks about so many different topics that can get you thinking outside the box and distract you from your negative trail of thoughts. My favourite talks are: 'F--- YOU, how to stop screwing yourself over' by Mel Robbins. 'Why we chose suicide' by Mark Henick, and 'To this day...' by Shane Koyczan. All of these and many more are on youtube. 
2. Setting Goals. Having something to aim for or things you want to try is good motivation to keep going and also adds a little excitement for the future. Try a classic 'Bucket list', writing down everything you want to do before you die. Or maybe setting yourself some personal goals, like aiming to write in your journal everyday or planning to walk 15 minutes a day (One in which I tried before I got my puppy, now I have no choice!). Some of my goals include, hitting '700' likes on my facebook page and reading 50 books this year. 
3. Turning how you feel into something creative. Its fair to say that most of my personal work has come from distressing emotions and I guess in a way I have to thankful that those darker times that gave me that creativity. You can channel how you feel into your work in so many different ways, from poetry to painting or song writing. The best work often comes from the most painful experiences.  Below is an example of a photo I took when I was feeling suicidal. 
   
   
   
4. Meeting friends. I have to admit that I have, in the past, found this very difficult to do when I'm in a depressive state. The last thing I want to do it see anyone, let alone my friends, who I think wouldn't understand. BUT over time you get to realise who you can trust and who you can lean on, and there is no shame in asking them for help! In fact they would probably feel very happy to help in anyway they can (and if they don't then they really aren't worth your friendship).Talk to them if you feel comfortable, or just sitting with them watching a film can make the world of difference. 
5. Do something for someone else. Sometimes, by doing something for someone else you take the attention away from your troubles and focus on someone else's needs. Things you can do include: Planning a birthday event for a friend, making a gift for someone, joining a volunteer group (Something that really helped me), walking someone else's dog, write a letter to a solider or sick child (there are a few different websites where you can find different info about this, google it) 
6. Educating yourself or building a new skill. Learning something new often takes a lot of concentration, and therefore is a great distraction! If you find this difficult, maybe write a list first of all things you could like to learn in life, start with simple questions such as 'How many different languages are there?' and when your feeling down pick and question and go find the answer! Other skills you could try are, learning an instrument, researching about the solar system, trying new recipes. 
7. Try to laugh. This can seem almost impossible when your in such a dark place, but deep down there is a strong you, willing to come out. Sometimes watching things that usually make me laugh can at least raise a smile when I'm down and studies show that even smiling can improve your mood. Write a list of things that have made you really laugh before, and I mean, a proper belly, tearful laugh, whether it be a memory, a youtube clip or even tumblr post, write it down and look at it when your low. 

This is only part 1 as I'm sure there are many more things you can do. Sometimes it may help, other times it may not, but even trying is great! 

Stay strong.

Becky x

Self help book review: Katie Piper's 'things get better'

Overview:

After reading Katie's first book called 'beautiful', in which she tells her story of a horrific acid attack, I fell in love her personality and strength. So naturally I couldn't wait for her second book, 'Things get better to come out'. This book is more of a self help book with advice and techniques she used when in the deepest depressions because of her attack.

What's included?

• Techniques she used in therapy.
• Inspiring quotes
• self affirming statements. 
• Stories of people overcoming their deepest pain. 
• Advice on getting your life back on track. 
• Things she used personally to get her through everything. 

Why is it good?

Its an easy ready, with chapters that you can skip to when you need them. She gets straight to the point, and doesn't ramble. It gives you exercises you can try and practical advice. It covers a wide range of stressful situations that we all come across in life, such as break ups, a job loss, death of a loved one. 

What's not so good?

As it covers a wide range problems it may not specific enough to be off that much use. 

Conclusion:

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone looking for a self help book that is  easy read. I turn to the book when in need of inspiring words and uplifting spirit.  

Check out Katie's facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/katiepiperofficial?fref=ts

Keep checking this blog for more self help book reviews!

Hope your all well. 

Becky x

Recovery / motivation songs.

Here is a list of songs that are (to me) uplifting and have helped me through recovery:

• Demi Lovato - Warrior and Skyscraper. 

• Katy Perry - Roar, Firework, fingerprints.
• One republic - Good life 
• Pink - Raise your glass 
• The Script - Hall of Frame 
• James Morrison - One life. 
• Ed Sheeran - You need me, I don’t need you. 
• Beyonce - I was here
• Ben Howard - Keep your head up. 
• Eliza Dolittle - Let it Rain. 
• Bon Jovi - Its my Life. 
• Kelly Clarkson - Stronger 
• Christina Aguilera - Fighter
• Lady Gaga - Born this way. 
• Jessie J - Who you are

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These are just a few of my favorites. I try not to listen to depressing songs when I’m down, instead I use these motivational songs to help pick me up. 

Distress Tolerance - distracting from your thoughts.

Our thoughts are almost impossible to control and can be difficult to handle. Sometimes the best thing to do is to distract yourself, and your thoughts for the time being. Below are some examples of useful distractions when your thoughts are bugging you.

Distracting yourself by paying attention to someone else (Take the focus of you)

• Do something for someone else, like ask if your parents need any help with anything. Call someone and ask to take them for lunch. By a homeless person a cup of tea. Plan ahead and volunteer at a shelter for something you believe in.
• Take a attention of yourself by watching people. Go to the shops, café or library and notice things about people. How many people have blonde hair? Notice their dress sense, what they might do for a living or are they a student? Create stories for these people.
• Think of someone you love or admire and keep a photo of them in your purse.
• Plan ahead for a future birthday of a loved one. What presents can you get them? Could you take them somewhere nice?
• Make something for someone. A cake, card, maybe even sew something.

Distracting from your thoughts 

Sometimes when you really don’t want to think about something, it is all we can think about! So instead of trying to force yourself to get rid of these thoughts, it can be more useful to distract them. These tips are great for when you are out and about and can be done mostly anywhere. For example:

• Remember past events when you were happy. Where were you? Who were you with? Try to remember every detail, no matter how small. Write this memory down as you relive it.
• Imagine your fantasy future coming true. What would it consist of? Where would you live, what does your house look like? What are your kids like?
• Write down your favourite quotes and carry them with you
• Think of what you would say to someone in the past that has hurt you. Imagine being able to say anything to anyone. What would you say?

Distracting yourself with tasks and chores.

• Washing up
• House work
• Phone someone you haven’t spoken to in a while
• Organise
• Dye or cut your hair
• Polish your jewellery
• Throw away old clothes
• Sort of your finances
• Plan your career.

Make your own distraction plan using the activities above and also including your hobbies like reading/watching a film / shopping ect.

This is a photo of my sketchbook that I use when I'm in need of a distraction! Here I've painted a dream I had. 

Classic BPD thoughts...Part 1

These are thoughts that I personally deal with and are typical of a lot of people with BPD and other mental illnesses for that matter.

• 'Don't cry here, you can self harm later...' - Self harm is my safety blanket when I'm in a situation that I can't show my true feelings.
• 'If I get too close, they'll just leave me' - This is the classic fear of abandonment that comes hand in hand with BPD.
• 'Shut up Becky, you sound clingy' - I try to excuse or explain why I may have called someone tonnes of times, but the truth is I'm worried and I think they'll think I'm clingy.
• 'If they don't call you back, they obviously don't like you' - Any other reason can seem invalid
• 'Just be honest about how you feel...but then won't I seem attention seeking?'
• 'Your so stupid, why can't you just be happy?! Nothing is wrong!'
• 'Who am I? How do people see me?' - Lack of Identity is common and not having a sense of who you are can really make you question everything.
• 'Oh no my scars are healing, I'll have to self harm again.' - Once the cuts heal it feels like I should have healed inside as well, but often I haven't and cutting again is my way of showing how much emotional pain I still feel.

These are just a few of the overwhelming thoughts people with a mental illness can experience. In other blog posts I'll give some advice on how to overcome these thoughts and deal with them.


Hope everyone is keeping well.
Becky x

Coping thoughts

There is a list things you can say in your head or out-loud to help self soothe in distressing situation. It may be helpful to stick them around your room or carry them with you. These are all just examples and you can come up with your own. 

• 'This feeling shall pass' 
• 'I am strong enough to handle whatever come my way'
• 'I will survive this'
• 'Will this matter a year from now?'
• 'Everything happens for a reason'
• 'I am trying the best that I can'
• 'Im a survivor, not a victim' 
• 'This feeling is normal'
• 'Ive done this before so I can do it again' 
• 'I can take the time I need to relax while these feelings drift away'

Loosing a friend

It's always difficult to loose a friend, but with bpd it can be an extremely painful situation that can set of future fear of abandonment. Whether you just drift apart or it ends in a nasty way it can have a dramatic effect on someone's emotional welbeing. 

Having said this, it is something we all experience throughout our life. People are busy and time is short so staying friends is a unspoken commitment. But when should we stop trying and accept that the friendship won't work? 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, how many people drift in and our off our lives. I remember being 16 and having a group of male friends at collage but after we left I would try and try to meet with them but it seemed they weren't as invested in this friendship as I was. This has become a Slight pattern for me, which got me wondering what was wrong with me? Why didn't people want to stay friends? I get attached to people and am highly loyal so whenever someone doesn't share this, I'm left feeling abandoned. 

I'm not sure how much of this is due to my bpd or if people without bpd feel the same way? 

Like many people suffering with a mental illness, I've lost a lot of friends due to their lack of understanding of my condition. It's so selfish to leave someone for an illness just because it's  getting 'too hard to handle'. Knowledge is power and if we learn about mental illness we are surely on the way to helping them recover? So I urge you to stand by anyone throughout an illness as I'm sure you would want support if the roles were reversed. 

Having said all of this, it just brings to light the true friends that stand by you and do make the effort. My motto now is that if the relationship, romantic or not isn't equal then it's not worth it. As painful as it may be, sometimes letting go is the only way to stop the cycle of rejection. 

Sorry for the slight rant, my mind has been so busy with these thoughts today! 

Hope your all well. 

Becky x

Self harm, the facts and my personal battle

A lot of people, who have never dealt with a mental illness don't understand why someone would purposely harm themselves. They may not understand why it helps or how it becomes extremely addictive, they just know its not a healthy way to express emotion. Let me explain how it felt for me...


From the first cut, I was hooked. Hooked to the quick relief I felt when I cut, an escape from the emotional turmoil I was feeling. I was 13, and I used a sharp hairclip, it didn't bleed so I kept going until my arms were swollen and red raw. From then on it was my go to tool whenever things got too much. Seeing the scars was proof that what I was feeling was real and painful, as I felt no one understood. Although of course I tried to hide it,  never taking my jumper off, even in summer.


As the addiction grew, I would test myself to see how far I could take it, using blades now as I knew they were more dangerous. It was my way of seeing the pain physically and it was easier to cope with a cut then what was going on in my head.


Why do people self harm?


People self harm for a whole bunch of reasons and sometimes its a mixture of a few. For me personally it was proof of my feelings and also gave me a sense of control over my own pain. Below is a list of some other reasons why someone may self harm:

• express emotions that are hard to verbally explain
• To ask someone for help (note: never call a self harmer an attention seeker! They are in need of help not to be judged)
• stop feelings of dumbness
• To distract from the emotional distress
• Express suicidal thoughts without actively attempting to take their life.
• To feel in control of their pain

What counts as self harm?


Anything in which the person has done to deliberately harm themselves, it is NOT just cutting. Here is a list of examples:

• Bruising
• Burning
• Overdosing
• Making yourself sick
• Cutting
• Scratching
• Biting
•  Under eating or over eating
• punching the wall  

Useful advice to you if you self harm


There is no easy way of stopping or even reducing your self harm. Sometimes something may go wrong in your life and your first thought is to hurt yourself (Mine is for sure) but if you feel like you really want to make an effort to stop, below is some things I've learnt over the years:

• Wait 15-30minutes. When an urge comes on, I try to tell myself to wait for at least 15minutes, if the urge is still there and hasn't died down at all then I allow myself to. But most of the time just allowing the urge to pass has stopped me! To distract myself in that 15 minutes I usually write in my diary or draw how I'm feeling or how I want to self harm.
• Call a trusted friend. I really hope that you have at least one friend you can trust with your secret self harm and that they are supportive. If so, call them, explain the situation like this 'I'm having the urge to self harm so I thought I could talk about it with you..'
• Write down why you want to self harm and the emotions linked with it. This is a technique I learnt when in therapy. It really gets you to focus on the emotions and where in your body you feel them. Writing down everything you can about how you feel is a good way of distracting from actually cutting! Some questions you could ask yourself: Why do I want to self harm? What will it achieve? What emotions have led to this? What urges do I have?
• Learn your triggers. Learning what brings on the urges is a good step to reducing them. If it is something in particular that your family or friend does, try to communicate with them about it. If its seeing a blade or weapon you may use, take it out of your sight. If it is how you feel about yourself, work on your self esteem with a therapist. (Or google online free therapy sheets)

Advice for friends and family of those who self harm and how to help.

• You may not understand their reasons why they self harm but do NOT blame them for it. It will only make them feel worse about themselves and feed into the addiction.
• Ask them about it. TALK to them. As hard it may be for you to hear, you need to talk to them, they need to know you care and are worried.
• Help them clean the wounds.
• Tell them to call you if the urge comes on.
• Do not make them promise to never do it again. This is an unfair thing to ask to them as self harm is a important coping mechanism to them for the time being.
• Do some research.
• Support them on finding the root cause of their problems.
• Urge them to go seek professional help
• And above all NEVER give up on them.

I hope this has been useful to someone, after all that's why I started this blog. There is a lot of information on the internet about self harm and a number of charities that can offer support like Mind.


Talk soon!
Becky x

What is borderline personality disorder?

• Borderline personality disorder does not mean having multiple personalities. 
• BPD means being prone to have extreme mood swings and intense emotions, either being good or bad. 
• Self harm or self destructive behaviours are often used as coping methods for the intense emotions.

Traits of BPD:

• Quick changes in mood, which can be very intense. 
• Extreme fear or reactions to abandonment (personally one of my hardest traits to deal with)
• difficulty expressing anger 
• feelings of lost identity (Not knowing who you are)
• self harm and suicidal thoughts/attempts
• Depression and feelings of emptiness

There has been some debate on what causes BPD and it is thought that genes do play a part but it can also be caused by trauma in early life, neglect or physical or sexual abuse.  Most people with BPD and I agree with this, say that even from an early age they were highly sensitive and felt very emotional. 

I will do a blog post on treatments and go into detail about some of the traits but for now I just wanted ot give you a brief outline of the condition. 

Talk soon, 

Becky x

 

Let me introduce myself...

As the title gives away, I have borderline personality disorder. But of course that isn't who I am, its just a condition I deal with, and it can be a pain in the arse just like any long term illness. Let me tell you about myself minus the illness and why I have created this blog...

My names Becky, currently 22 and am a freelance photographer. Usually I'm confident and I like to think that I'm a fun person to be around. I have a small handful of amazing friends, but 2 in particular who have on a few accounted saved my life, this blog was actually one of their ideas! 

I created this blog to help people who have BPD or know someone who has it. I believe that educating people about mental illness is paramount to stopping stigma but also giving people the right support. I have lost numerous people in my life simply because they didn't understand or know how to deal with it so I've made it my mission to talk openly about BPD and other mental illnesses that come along side it. 

Talk soon! 
Becky x